I have had good, thoughtful input from many close friends about this topic. It helps. Trying to talk about this subject a little at a time is very difficult for me. I want to say it all at once.

Yet, I think that writing just a little each day allows me to refine my thinking (hopefully, my mind as well) as I go. I have tried to avoid dictionary definitions this month because I think the idea here is personal and individual. I can define "living" and "sacrifice", but the combination is the key.

Getting that combination right for me is part of this process of daily contemplation. I think better as I talk stuff through. It sometimes seems that it sounds like I am on a month-long downer talking about sacrifice. But I do not believe that is where this will end up. I fully believe that a "living sacrifice" is to be fully alive as I am meant to be.

The "sacrifice" part I think will end up being, for me, how to give up those things that lead to death in its many wrong forms. I look forward to a time when I am far closer than I am now. Being sick for over a week has helped me with a new appreciation of health. May it encourage me to seek it in every area of my life.

I've been sick for a few days now and decided to take some time off and stay home and try to get over whatever this is. But I'm afraid it is something that gets worse from being in the air inside my house, so either way I could be toast.

Some days that is how this thing with sacrifice feels. If I sacrifice too much, I could lose my life to the whims of others, but if I don't sacrifice, I surely won't get to the place I am called to go in this chapter. Maybe my concept of sacrifice is twisted in a world that says we should be positive and self-confident.

Maybe it is too easy to trade unconditional commitment to God and His will for my life for self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice I can control, God I can't.

Paul surely didn't spend 28 days thinking about what this phrase means when he wrote it, but I still think it will be powerful for me to give this time to seek God. To ask Him to use these concepts to reshape my soul to His image. To try to understand how I am supposed to truly be a "living sacrifice". To be willing to give up to God exactly what it will mean for me.

I want to sugar coat this concept, but it must be deadly serious for me to gain from it.

I am not very close to understanding what a "living sacrifice" means for me. There are so many ways to get mixed up about the concept. It certainly has an element of dying to it. It certainly has a prioritizing to it. It surely must lead to something useful.

My task the last half of this month is to begin to grasp what it means for me. Watching the figure skaters lasr year on the Olympics coverage showed me sacrifice towards a purpose. Watching the snowboarders showed sacrifice for the sake of having fun on the snow.

Watching people from each group finish their competition after falling just to complete what they had worked for was inspirational sacrifice. Without hope of the gold, they, because of the fire within, got up and completed their event. The truth for them was that the event was their goal.

My life is the event and I must sacrifice daily toward completing it. Not giving up whether I find success or failure in any single component. Recognizing that there is a refining going on inside of me that brings present satisfaction in my progress and a knowledge of something better ahead. This drives me on.

Read what Julie wrote to all of us. I think it helps us to recognize part of this problem - what is the difference between a living sacrifice that sets us free and a giving-in sacrifice that feels like dying.

I am thinking about how this works for me. It is what I die to, not how much I feel like death. Done right, a living sacrifice frees me from being owned by anyone else since my life is already given to Jesus. It frees me to stand up for that which is best for others - usually not my doing what is someone else's gifting, obligation or teaching moment.

When God calls us to sacrifice - He brings us clarity of direction about how it should be done - but that comes in a later month.
We stand together in this journey. (Or kneel, when that is a more powerful position.)

I started out this month thinking, “Sacrifice? That’s what I have been doing too much of. Why do we have to talk about sacrifice?” I tend to always put others first, and ignore my own needs. And I’m learning that that kind of sacrifice can only go on so long—and then the sacrificer is burnt out, empty, useless. I’ve gotten sick, I’ve been fighting depression.

Every parent needs to make sacrifices for the family, but I have been making too many sacrifices, ones that, I am learning, God doesn’t want me to make. I’ve been a dying sacrificer, and not a living sacrificer.

Here’s what I am learning: God is interested in WHAT I am sacrificing, and for what purpose—not in how much I am sacrificing. I’m not supposed to sacrifice myself dry, and try to always do, do, do. That destroys my joy, and God doesn’t want me joyless, he wants me joyful!! I can’t really be useful to Him unless I am joyful!

I guess I need to sacrifice some bad habits and negative self talk. “Julie, your needs don’t matter.” “Julie, take care of everyone else, but don’t take care of yourself.” “Don’t worry Julie, your reward will come in the next life, and this life is just to tough-out and slog through.” “Julie, don’t let yourself need anyone; it’s not safe.” I’m trying to learn how to banish those ideas. How have I gotten this old, and not yet figured this out? There’s no time like the present. I am REALLY in need of God transforming my mind, and renewing my thinking.

My counselor is trying to get me to use the phrase, “I need….” I feel so uncomfortable with asking anyone for help, even when it comes to asking my own kids to take the dog for a walk, or empty the dishwasher. I talk around it, asking “How would you like to…?” Sometimes I get as good as, “Would you please set the table?” But I never admit to needing help! I never say “I need you to set the table.” “I need some help with the laundry.” “I need you.”

It may seem simple to you, but the phrase “I need” hasn’t been in my vocabulary since I was 12, when both my dad and mom died within 9 months of each other. My little sister needed me to look after her. A year later, we were moved into a permanent foster home, and I needed to figure out how to keep my new mom from getting angry, and how to keep my new dad feeling proud of me. I needed to figure out how to please them, so that they wouldn’t want to throw me out—so I worked at that with all my might.

All the while, part of me kept saying, “you’re no good, you’re no good, you are worthless, don’t even bother trying to figure out what makes you happy, because you don’t matter.” So, I survived the rest of my childhood, but I sure didn’t enjoy it.

As an adult, I have banished some of the negative attitudes that I took on as a kid. But I need to give up the emotional self-sufficiency, and the physical self-sufficiency.

So today, I have this to say to each of you: I need you (gulp) to pray for me on my journey. Pray that I can get rid of the attitudes and patterns that are hurting me.
Thank you, Julie
(God, is it supposed to take this much courage to hit the Send button? Ouch.)